Addiction

So...  here I am, sitting in a hot tub in my motel room at the Bavarian Ritz, in Leavenworth, listening to "Welcome to the Cruel World", by Ben Harper, at five in the morning, happy as a clam. I promised to write about addiction, so here goes...  I don't like talking about it; who does? And yet, it is another of the vital elements of my story... my struggle... and my triumphs. I sincerely hope that some of you will read this and be able to identify, in some way, or another. This is a struggle many of us face. Not the root of the problem, but perhaps the most identifiable element of my lifelong cycle of incarceration and hopelessness.

Simply stated, alcohol and drugs have laid waste to my life, in every form imaginable.   I won't go into the story right now; I just don't have the time. We'll have to save that for another day. Instead, I will summarize. I began self medicating at, what was at the time, a very young age. I had suffered from severe depression and anxiety, since I was a child. Alcohol and drugs made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I remember thinking "this must be what normal people feel like".  The self medicating soon turned into partying with my friends. The partying soon turned into full blown addiction. I had a lot of good times, but more often than not, as time progressed, my love affair with alcohol and drugs left me either regretting, or just plain wondering, what happened. My addiction progressed and by my 20's, I was shooting heroin, coke, and meth and drinking like a fish. "What's my drug of choice? Well, what have you got?", as my hero of the day, Lane Staley, singer for Alice in Chains  said. Sadly, he ended up dying of an overdose, like a good many of my past heroes.  I tried so hard, so many times, to quit. I even went to rehab a couple times. I had some periods of success, but they never lasted too long. I always thought I could do it "my way". You know... maybe just drink beer, or only take pills, or only shoot up on the weekends...

 Once again, this is an extremely condensed version, but when you have a $500 a day habit, you have to figure out some way of maintaining it. I started robbing banks. I thought I was cool, an outlaw... a rebel without a cause. Of course, it didn't last. Eventually, I ended up in prison. Back when I first started doing time, in the mid 90's, things were a lot different than they are doing time today. They fed you well, the fellas all stuck together; we lived by a code. I'm not going to say that it was all fun and games, not a day went by where I didn't witness, or involve myself in, some form of serious  violence, or another... but, we did have some good times. I never intended on going back, but obviously I didn't suffer enough, because I did end up going back... repeatedly.

I always started out well. Often, I had the help and support of my friends and family, to help me get on my feet. Once again though, I thought I could do it "my way". I thought I could just drink beer, or maybe drugs were ok, as long as I didn't shoot anything up. I had to find some way to numb the pain, to give me confidence and overcome my overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness at the seemingly insurmountable challenges involved in building a "normal life".  Of course, my way never worked, for long. I always ended up strung out and back on the street, running and gunning.

Four prison sentences later, I had lost the respect and support of virtually all my friends and family. They just didn't understand why I kept making the choices I did.  I can't blame them; I didn't much care for myself, either.  I was a real dirt-bag. I had hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of destruction, by putting my addiction before anything else in my life. By refusing to take responsibility for my own actions, I had allowed my addiction to dominate me and decide the course of my life.

No more! I have had enough. I'm tired of spending my days suffering on the streets, chasing an enormous drug habit that could never fill the void, spending my days locked up, being told what to do and when to do it, eating shitty food, constantly being a source of disappointment and detriment to my friends and family. I knew that I could no longer do things my way, if I truly wanted to learn how to live the life I was meant to live. If putting my addiction first was the cause of so much pain, destruction, hopelessness, and suffering, I now know that I must put my recovery first, if I want to ensure that I never go down that path again.

So... here I sit, on the deck of the motel in beautiful Leavenworth, enjoying a gorgeous sunrise, as I finish writing this blog. All my school projects are up to date. I expect I will achieve straight A's, this semester. I am starting a new job, redesigning the website for WSU Tri-Cities. I am regaining the trust of my friends and family. I am making new friends, who live the kind of lives that I want to live. I am working towards regaining custody of my son. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, without cops or an addiction dictating my actions. None of this would be possible, without my choice to live clean and sober.

If any of you can relate to this, at all... If you think that your life is out of control, due to your alcohol or drug use, I strongly suggest that you don't try to do it yourself. If your best thinking repeatedly gets you locked up and miserable, perhaps it's time for a change. Einstein said "The thinking that got us where we are is not the thinking that will get us where we want to be". I had to learn a whole new way of thinking. Involving myself in a 12 step program has helped me evolve in so many ways. Whether you find guidance and direction from church, or a 12 step program of your choice, I strongly recommend that you not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. We can't do this alone. The good news is that we don't have to.

The view from the back deck

"The Road to Recovery"